“If at any point in the next 24hrs the red swelling extends beyond this shape,” says Dr. Jim, “you need to come back immediately.” “You mean outside the shape that is the giant sperm you just drew on my arm?”, I ask.

“…yes”, he replies.  “And you’re going to need a shot. A not-so-pleasant shot.”

This is how I came to know Louis the Arm Sperm Ambassador and the life and death struggle we would share here in the Mile High City. Louis and I actually met sometime in the early morning hours the day before in a dark room of the Ambassador Inn,  Lamar, Colorado. It is worth pausing here to appreciate the tremendous leeway a designation like,”Inn” gives an lodging establishment. I’m not surprised when my Hotels are expensive and clean nor when my Motels are cheap and smell like curry and damp cigarettes. Fair warning.  So do we choose The Ambassador Hotel, The Ambassador Motel or The Ambassador Inn whilst passing through a town of five thousand?

“I’m on a budget yet value my health. I’ve got a few choices but, an Inn just sounds nice.”

This internal debate was conducted while pulling into the unlit parking lot of The Ambassador Inn and concluded when I accepted the key to room 112* from the Indian “Inn Keeper” behind the bullet proof glass.

I first noticed the swelling around seven am when I was pulling out of Lamar. Things continued to get worse throughout the day until I checked into a hospital after noticing a red line tracking up my arm from the swelling in my hand. The good news is that after a $200 anti-biotic cocktail I made my way the the Lion’s Lair on Denver’s famed Colfax Avenue and met the barmen, Twig and Shorts. Good fellas all around and nice hosts for not kicking me out after explaining Louis. T-Shirt coming soon.

It’s been a few days in Denver now and time to move on with a few new t-shirts in hand for the collection; The Three Kings, The Candlelight and of course The Lions Lair. Louie’s not looking so well and I fear he won’t survive the drive north to Breckenridge. I’m going to miss him.

From somewhere out there,

Gabe and for the time being, Louis

* Please note that room 112 of the Ambassador Inn in Lamar, CO does not have any lightbulbs and the heater is broken.